There’s a whole army of warriors behind this wall

Sacred-Monkey-Forest-Ubud-wallLately I’ve found myself starting to write about one thing and ending up with something completely different. I’ve got a few drafts written. Perhaps someday soon I’ll finish them, or perhaps not. In doing some research for one of these drafts I came across an incredibly inspiring and insightful blog called The Shadow Aspect about a woman’s journey recovering from rape and her experience as a rape crisis counselor. I could relate to a lot of her experience and was inspired to comment on her post. I thought I’d share what I wrote here as well:

My response to In Shadow:

“Wow. I just came across and read your entire blog and it’s haunting how much I can relate to all of it, but especially this post. I’ve recently started volunteering and sharing my experiences publicly and on my blog and it’s been very therapeutic to not have to feel like I have this big secret I can’t talk about and to feel like something I do might help someone else in some way, but it also stirs up a lot of fresh triggers for me. The triggers have been especially difficult recently with rape being a prevalent news topic during the recent elections. I know I’m better off not clicking on every article I come across about rape but I do it anyways. My husband calls it picking a scab and creating fresh wounds, but sometimes it helps me gain a better understanding of something I have a really difficult time putting together in a logical way. I can completely relate to your desire to understand why. I’ve daydreamed many times about asking them why and if I ever came across them again I think I would, if I could get past being completely paralyzed with fear.

I’ve talked about walls a lot with my therapist as well. I’ve built some very thick ones and have always thought of myself as a very strong survivor type (after 3 rapes, 2 lung surgeries, 3 cancer surgeries, and a very difficult pregnancy I’m like a poster child for survivoring), but behind that wall is a big gaping hole of sadness. I’ve always tried really hard to push through the sadness because I’m naturally a very positive person, but sometimes it can help to just embrace it for what it is, because it is really, extremely sad. But I don’t want to be sad all the time so my walls protect me.

It’s very comforting for me to read other peoples stories and know I’m not alone because decades of silence can be very lonely. This is why I share my story. We’re not alone. Knowing this is simultaneously both comforting and extremely sad, and now I look at every person I meet and wonder who else is living with silence and sadness behind their walls too.”

Leftovers from excavated ruins at Goa Gajah in Bali. These stones look like a carefully arranged labyrinth with some great significance but they are really just a bunch of stones the archeologists stacked in random piles as they were excavating.
Leftovers from excavated ruins at Goa Gajah in Bali. These stones look like a carefully arranged labyrinth with some great significance but they are really just a bunch of stones the archeologists stacked in random piles as they were excavating.

Here’s a couple other insightful sites I’ve come across recently:

http://misslisted.com/2012/11/01/a-difficult-story-to-tell/ This woman shared her story. She’s incredibly brave.

Pandora’s Project – a great resource site for survivors

“The myth of Pandora taught us that there is evil in the world. But after Pandora’s box was opened, one thing remained: Hope.”

When I was a teenager I wanted to open a cafe/bookstore/club when I grew up, and was going to call it Pandora’s Box. Perhaps it would make a good name for my Community Movement Center idea…

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